


Waving at You

by Metal_Gear_Steve



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-21 03:53:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14276346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_Gear_Steve/pseuds/Metal_Gear_Steve
Summary: Angels of maddening light. Halos of destruction. Months of cooking and cleaning for someone else, and pointless teasing that served to make home more unbearable. Stress - more than a 14 year old should have to live with.Misato ponders her life with Shinji as he tries to escape one more time.(Messy fic alert. I'm tired as hell and not thinking too hard about making a masterpiece. I hope you find something to like about it.)





	Waving at You

**Author's Note:**

> Written very quickly, comes across as pretty slapdash. Events up to episode 23 are alluded to, though the story doesn't fit into canon - mostly just a tired flight of fancy. Expect a random stream-of-consciousness story of self-justifications and stuff that some rando (me) whipped up in half an hour.

You know, for once I can honestly say I tried.

I live for myself. I kept a pet for some general company, but I've spent years caring mostly about my next meal and my next beer - more than anything else, truthfully. And even as your guardian, I lived for myself in the same sort of way.

But for the first time since college - the first time ever, maybe - I brought someone into my life out of concern and care. Because I sensed a similar sort of pain in you that I felt when I was your age. I saw the scared little girl I used to be, somewhere in you - and a part of me wanted to fix that. To fix you.

I didn't try hard enough, that much is clear to me now. But I did try. And I did care.

I never truly understood your pain. The closest I ever came to understanding was when I was collapsing into myself, when I offered you a method of coping I had replied upon since college. 

When I projected myself onto you.

...Just like the day you moved in with me.

...

I tried to help in my own way. It wasn't right, but it was well-intentioned.

But as much as I try to rationalise it, I realise that all the effort I thought I was making looped back into self-centred teasing and personal projection of myself onto you. Maybe I was just helping myself in the long run.

I don't really know what to say. I think Pen-Pen will miss you. Asuka would probably never admit it, but she'd probably feel something about this.

And... I'm sorry, I guess. I truly did try to help, but in a lot of ways I saw you as an extension of myself. And that wasn't fair to you.

You had your own problems, and we adults aren't the only people with issues. We're not the only ones who hurt others, you know. Everyone was lashing out, just like you and Asuka.

... I don't know.

Maybe I didn't try so hard after all.

Maybe the hardest thing I've tried to do is justify this all to you, here in this moment.

Maybe this is all an attempt to wash my hands of responsibility as I sit here on this sunny park bench, in the middle of a ruined city - waiting for a train to leave the city.

A train carrying you, taking you away from Tokyo-3.

...I'm going to miss you, y'know.

I'd stop you if I could, out of necessity and out of guilt. To tell you I can be an adult, to let you off the hook.

But God knows I'd just leave you working in a depressing shell of an apartment with an adult who can barely take care of herself, a harsh girl who lingers in the air like a ghost, and a penguin that's left for greener pastures.

It'd be coaxing you into a prison of bad memories and pointless chores.

Maybe the best thing I can do for you is support you from afar. To project my feelings one more time, and maybe make sense of the life I gave you. To come to terms with everything that's happened.

Either way, all I'll be doing today is sitting here. Waiting for a train.

And if it comes, I hope you see me.

Me, your superior officer and guardian figure. Sitting on this bench in the sun.

Waving at you.

**Author's Note:**

> Misato and Shinji's relationship in the show has been gnawing at the back of my head for a while now. It's been entirely too long since I saw the show, so I'm working with an image of Shinji born from an idealised fanfiction mold, and an interpretation of Misato that is probably unfair to some degree.
> 
> I think Misato does try to be good to Shinji, but Shinji has his own shit going on and her teasing and division of chores is a bit much on top of the life-shattering horror of the Angels he fights. Shinji isn't a saint, he's a fucked up kid - please don't think I'd dispute that in an effort to make Shinji a "soft boy" who was right about everything and can do no wrong - and Misato has good intentions to my memory, but something isn't right here.
> 
> This is just an idea from some dude who hasn't seen the show in way too long, not a defining character assessment. I like Misato quite a lot, and I think her interactions with Shinji pre-EoE make up a lot of the show's heart. I just wanted to write a poem-fic-story thing based on a song title I like for a song I can't seem to get into by the Mountain Goats.
> 
> The "collapsing into myself" part references the part in episode 23 where Misato tries to comfort Shinji after *spoilers my dudes* Rei II dies. The one that Evageeks thinks is about Misato making moves on Shinji. A similar interpretation was intended here.


End file.
